W.R.O.N.G.

 The longest days and yet time goes fast. I can´t even describe how worn out I am from this condition, can´t even seem to find an answer,  It´s like having a bad day after another and still expecting the next one to be different. Been probably doing everything wrong. but there is a knot in my stomach and I cannot make it go away.  I´ve tried everything I know of, and it does not go away. I am tired, hopeless sometimes. That is the word, hopelessness.  I´ve been to many countries in the last years, I´ve taken many chances and yet, the night seems like another whole world, one with anxiety and night terrors, and the day is where my back hurts, my stomach hurts, and I can´t get passed it. I been doing it all wrong, but I don´t know any other way.

2018 Random thoughts

First days of this new year.

A much needed rest came in the form of long days and nights of anxiety. The reason?
I can´t really make it out. It's a whole bunch of reasons glued together like a dark cloud that becomes stronger at night. This is nothing new but there are nights where I don´t have the strength anymore.
I wish I could be more of a positive influence to those around me but these last days my mind is all over the place and I just can´t focus.

 I feel uncertainty towards someone that lately has become a lightening presence in my routine, because I want to be there, but I am a bit scared, being so emotional when I become attached, I can´t help it but to feel afraid of precisely that, becoming too attached and then ending up with a heartache or plainly disappointed. That´s cowardice I know, but after my last experiences in that realm, it makes me anxious. And to be honest, I think about him a lot, I long for his warm embrace and just hearing his voice. That anxiety disappears all of the sudden when I am with him, and that just throws me off so bad. Until I start feeling stupid and vulnerable again.

I guess a lot is going to change this year, I think my roomie is gonna leave the apartment since we are not talking anymore. It is a little saddening to realize out of the blue, that someone you considered a friend, can be so mean to you, just because you don´t love them the way you they want you to. I can say I understand to a certain extent. But it still makes me unsettled.

There are so many projects I need and want to get going this year, and for some reason everything feels "stuck", paused, and the more I try to clear my mind, the more the nightmares and night terrors take over leaving me tired and numb minded.

Last May, while being in San Francisco I had some sort of "realization", when I was feeling overwhelmed by the problems going around me and then for one minute I felt the breeze of the sea, heard the seagulls and the cold hit my face in a caressing way. I felt actually there, in whole, no depression for the past, no anxiety about the future, just there. I cried a little because it felt like freedom and absolute happiness. It was refreshing. And brief. I want all the people I love to feel the same way all the time, but even for me, that feeling seems so far away now, even tho I experienced it only a couple months ago.

There is always music. When things feel a bit hopeless, there is always the perfect soundtrack to keep us on our feet. May this year be full of it. May we all understand that we deserve love, the good kind of it. May we believe in ourselves and be proud of our choices even tho deep inside we doubt and fear. I want to trust we will.

Dec

Youme & Meyou_ Einstürzende Neubauten

earthquake aftermath in me, in what happens to be a pathetic feeling of false bliss

Havent´t felt this shitty in a long time. He appeared and it was a good feeling out of the blue that later hit like an earthquake in the middle of a real earthquake.
The devastation, the death, and the desperation of victims are a huge black hole in the universe of fear that we all have. Anxious sleepless nights become nightmares once we manage to fall defeated by exhaustion. I have tried to help as much as I can, but what needs to be done is just too much. There are many heroes outside in the streets, removing debris, feeding volunteers, not sleeping, healing the wounded, giving away half of what they have so it can help those who lost it all.
My heart feels shrunk, and then some. My idiocy played me again. He came with the earthquake and for one day (my birthday oddly), i was not alone, except I was. But i forgot about it.
For one day.
 I don´t want to forget it again because when I remember, it makes it worst.
Tomorrow I´ll be better off, on a path I know to be certain. But for today I have allowed myself into self pity, just because I fucking can.


Dec

The shadow within

Last night there was another nightmare, this is old news, but when put in context, it calls for my  immediate attention. I have been in trouble for the last month, due to problems in my lower back. Spent most of the last two months, in bed, in pain, unable to walk, i´ve been limping my way through my rut for the last days. My muscles were swollen and sore, as if trying to punish me for being deaf to their call.
But back to last night, the dream had me walking through some relative´s house and feeling anger and despair about me not being able to have my father buy me a house just like that. It´s dumb, as always, but they say that the feelings surfacing in dreams are what matter. In my conscious life, that is not something i care about, i don´t feel that lost, or even anger towards my broken jdeal of what a father should have been and wasn´t . I have made peace with it and I have told myself once and again that i am over that , and don´t even care anymore.
The thing is, this pain, this inability to move, to walk, to bend, to be flexible, might be a glimpse of the shadow within, all those feelings surfacing in the physical world. like they did once 6 years ago.
Being afraid, and lost, and worried to a point of complete lack of focus, angry at times with the state of things, all this has me exhausted and has come to a point where i feel fragmented. I am nowhere complete. There´s only pieces of me scattered everywhere, dragging themselves around, trying to get by.  I need to be one again.

song in the background: xiu xiu_sycamore tree/ twin peaks

Terrores nocturnos, de nuevo...

Hace más o menos un año, eran las 3 de la mañana. Desperté en la madrugada y en la esquina de la habitación, había una sombra, se parecía mucho a uno de mis amigos de Zacatecas, pero al enfocar la vista, uno de sus ojos parecía estar sumido en la cuenca, y estaba jorobado. Al  voltear la mirada a mi lado izquierdo, junto al closet, estaba una pequeña niña con rasgos orientales, un vestido blanco y cabello agarrado en una coleta. Me miraba con odio y no pude evitar sentir pánico, mientras intentaba moverme sin éxito, paralizado, comencé a hiperventilar deseando que todo fuera un mal sueño. El tipo que se encontraba en la esquina de la habitación comenzó a acercarse, podía ver entre sombras como movía sus brazos intentando tomarme de los pies, mi corazón estaba a punto de salirse de mi pecho, por más que intentaba moverme, era imposible. La persona que dormía a mi lado, entre sueños se giró y tocandome el hombro con su brazo balbuceó: "ya, tranquilo". Lejos de tranquilizarme, eso me reiteró que no era un sueño, aunque de cierta forma ya lo sabía. El pánico y agitación aumentaron, cerré los ojos como si eso fuera a protegerme, y al abrirlos de nuevo, el hombre y la niña habían desaparecido y mi respiración se comenzaba a normalizar. Pero no podía evitar esa sensación de miedo al saber que los terrores nocturnos estaban de regreso. Ya habían pasado 5 años desde aquellos últimos días en 2010 donde prefería dormir de día y en casa de mi mamá, para no estar a merced de esos seres, esas sensaciones, esos entes, o lo que sea que se manifestaba cada noche, donde quiera que yo estaba.

Un par de meses después, dormía sólo, o eso pensaba, cuando al medio despertar vi a un hombre parado al lado de mi cama, de unos 50 y tantos años, con panza, canoso, con unos boxers flojos y una camiseta blanca de tirantes, parecía quejarse de alguien, repetía cosas como "ella me hace sentir mal, dice que no valgo nada" y otras cosas que no recuerdo claramente, su cabello era canoso. Yo no podía moverme y sólo quería levantarme y prender la luz para asegurarme de que fuera un producto de mi imaginación, pero era imposible.  Aunque el hombre estaba al lado de mi cama, no miraba en mi dirección, estaba volteando hacia la puerta. Yo quería levantarme pero al mismo tiempo tenía mucho miedo de captar su atención, igual no podía moverme, me sentía paralizado. Mientras escribo esto en mi habitación me llegan escalofríos. Se me ocurrió que tal vez podía cerrar los ojos de nuevo para que al abrirlos se haya ido. Así lo hice, cerré los ojos. Yo estaba acostado boca arriba, más o menos en posición diagonal, al cerrar los ojos, mi pánico fue mayor, pues sentí como alguien tomaba mi cabeza con ambas manos y la sacudía violentamente, como si quisiera hacerme reaccionar, por reflejo abrí los ojos y no ví a nadie, mi respiración era muy agitada y podía escuchar palpitar mi corazón retumbando en toda la habitación.


Semanas después, terminaba de estudiar de madrugada, me fui a dormir y al poco tiempo soñaba, en el sueño me encontraba en una cueva enorme y por alguna razón buscaba a unos niños, que yo sabía habían sido abducidos por extraterrestres, en la cueva se escuchaban goteras, ruidos de animales, y una especie de ventilador enorme, pero no podía ver gran cosa. De repente desperté en mi habitación, con los pies hacia la ventana, y sentí terror al ver a una figura tal cuál describen en películas y documentales, una persona pequeña con cabeza enorme y ovalada. Era sólo una sombra, frente a mí, de nuevo el miedo me tenía paralizado, logré para mi sorpresa, incorporarme y gritar (al menos yo sentía que estaba gritando) el nombre de mi roomie, con la esperanza de que me oyera en su habitación; para mi sorpresa, no desapareció la sombra, si no que ahora podía ver sus manos levantadas, no como si fuera a atacarme, si no como si me estuviera haciendo ademanes para que me tranquilizara. Volví a recostarme aterrorizado y cerré los ojos hasta que logré tranquilizarme y volver a dormir.

Otro episodio sucedió hace no mucho, en abril pasado, mi amiga Aymé se encontraba de visita, no dudé en advertirle que algo así podía suceder, aunque ella ya estaba al tanto. Como es la costumbre dormíamos en mi cama (una king size) y estando yo volteando de lado, desperté de madrugada, me dí cuenta que de nuevo no podía moverme, la desesperación me hacía tratar de mover las manos, con los ojos entre cerrados pude ver una especie de humo negro que salía de debajo de la cama, una estela de él se fue directo a mis manos, que se encontraban juntas, como si las atara. Otra parte del humo giraba en espiral y me cubría completo. Mis piernas estaban paralizadas y al mismo tiempo se sentían adormecidas, al entrar en pánico y no saber qué hacer, comencé a tratar de mecerme de un lado a otro, sin éxito; en mi desesperado razonamiento creí que al mecerme podía despertar a Aymé para que hiciera algo por ayudarme. Intenté al mismo tiempo gritar su nombre, sólamente me escuchaba a mí mismo balbucear a pesar del esfuerzo, sin embargo tuve éxito. Sentí a mis espaldas como Aymé despertaba y se incorporaba, me sacudió y me dijo: "qué tienes?"
Después de sentir que me sacudía, logré hablar, le dije: "hay algo debajo de mi cama, justo aquí", yo estaba todavía temblando un poco, ella se levantó y prendió la luz, se asomó debajo de la cama. No había nada. Le dije que últimamente me estaba pasando mucho de nuevo y que probablemente ya se había ido. Apagó la luz y volvimos a dormir.

Es la 1:38 am, y es la primera vez en varias semanas que no estoy muerto de cansancio, al menos no tanto como para no reparar en esa sensación de que algo así podría ocurrir de nuevo, como todas esas veces en las que he creído que estoy durmiendo sólo, cuando no es así. Es hora de apagar la luz, aunque a veces no quiero.

Dec

FareEffingWell Horrible 2015

2015 was a horrible year. Absolutely hideous, and yet I learned so much. I kinda had to.
I neglected the most important people in the world to me, my family and myself. When you stop listening to your gut, and give up all your strength and control, things get fucked up. So that happened.

It was a thing of giving in so much, that you lose track of who you really are and what you really want.
These two sick motherfuckers approached me, I behaved like a wimp for too long, I let them in and gave them control, I knew it was wrong and for some reason I didn´t do anything. These people are so sick, in the head. and all over. Only someone who is completely fucked up can tolerate the things they were involved in, scam, deceit, prostitution, alcoholism, lies and whatnot. If only I had known any of these before I let them earn my trust. I´ve been fascinated since I was little with the minds of serial killers, their psychopathies and mental illnesses, but I never thought I would look at something like this from the front seat. These people manipulated me into believing that they were helping me (whatever they meant by it) while used my name, my image and myself to create more lies, to occult their true horrible nature and fulfill their needs of self esteem and hide their terrible inferiority complexes. It´s like they have this modus operandi where they pick someone and trick them into buying all their bullshit, because they are like leeches, they feed off them, both of them have no self esteem at all, the older one needs to love someone from the distance, to create stories in his head, to convince himself and their victims that he is useful, helpful and honest, at the same time that he craves control and uses emotional blackmail to maintain that sick relationship, the other one, equally self loathing, but maybe more naive and perverted at the same time, whoring himself out, engaging in self destruction and almost tricking his own mind into thinking that he buys his own "i am a respectable person" bullshit. Desperate to be someone they don´t despise, they have become delusional, stealing whatever they can from other personalities, they grow stronger the more you let them suck your energy. And that is what I did from november 2014 to november 2015.

At times it makes me so mad at myself that I allowed that shit to happen, even when deep down I knew it was all wrong, I knew I didn´t want any of that crap, and yet I didn´t do anything to stop it.
That was over when I made my decision on may 2015, and that day I was so relieved, and happy, surprisingly. But it didn´t last long, because the older one came back, I always wondered why all the attention, and consideration, when I was part of it, I didn´t realize the symbiotic sick relationship they have built over the last 6 years. So stupidly I allowed him back in, huge mistake. this person is so desperately needy, so poisonous that I don´t think he even realizes all the things he really does. Like a murdered whose level of consciousness is so low, his physical response to it is to block stuff from his own mind in order to not see all the damage he is doing to himself and others.

Anyway, it took almost a year, between anonymous messages, being stalked, literally followed in the streets and harassed on the internet that I tried to file for a restriction order, just to realize there is no such legal figure here. Until I finally grew some balls and came to think that I was the one feeding those two fucking leeches with my energy and attention. No more.
I heard they found some other poor guy, I feel bad for him, but most of it, I feel bad for those two, because they are so sick they cannot come to a good end, and I don´t fucking care. Because whatever shit happens to them, they deserve it believe me.
These year was so fucking awful it threw me away completely, familiar issues, the loss of a loved one, my uncle, whose sudden death at his young age still waters my eyes some days. I forgot who I was and what I aim for, because that is what they do to you, they need you to feel lost, because otherwise they cannot manipulate you, and they did, I have to give them that, they are good at it, not the best tho, because it was me who let them get away with that for a while. Until now.
My mind is healing now, I am almost there, I don´t hate anymore, I feel sorry for them, I thank the fact that I am no longer in that situation, and I proved to myself how fucking strong I am. I became a better, stronger, smarter person. Thanks assholes, Go find someone else to fuck with, in the end you are only doing it to yourselves, and when I hear about how your own evil is rotting yourselves, I will still be at peace, because you had it coming.

Enough thinking of this.
Fareeffingwell

D.

My gift to them

Those who betrayed my trust. who tried to humiliate me, who lied to me face. Those  people one day will see me, when I am a big star, and they will tell their friends a part of me was inside them, and I fucked them good, and no one will believe their words, but deep inside their hollow hearts and minds they will know it`s true, I fucked them once when I didn´t know any better, and even tho their friends will tell them to shut up and stop lying, they will smile, and that smile is my fucking gift to them.

D.